How to Choose a Therapist, Part 4: Knowing When to Say Goodbye
You've invested time, energy, and resources into your therapeutic journey. You've chosen a therapist, established a relationship, and begun the work of personal growth. But what happens when things don't feel quite right? Is it just a rough patch, or is it a sign that it's time to move on?
It's natural to feel doubt, even in the most successful therapeutic relationships. After all, therapy often involves confronting uncomfortable emotions and challenging long-held beliefs. However, it's important to distinguish between the normal ups and downs of therapy and signs that the therapeutic relationship itself is no longer serving you.
This post will explore some indicators that it might be time to consider ending your therapeutic relationship and how to navigate this transition with grace and self-compassion.
1. You're Not Making Progress (and You've Addressed It):
Therapy isn't always linear, but you should generally feel a sense of movement towards your goals. If you feel stuck, stagnant, or like you're going in circles after a reasonable amount of time, it's worth examining why.
Have you openly discussed your concerns with your therapist? A good therapist will welcome this feedback and work with you to adjust their approach or explore potential roadblocks. If you've had this conversation and still don't see progress, it might be time to consider a change.
2. You Consistently Feel Uncomfortable or Unsafe:
Trust and safety are the cornerstones of any effective therapeutic relationship. While it's normal to feel challenged or vulnerable at times, you should never feel judged, dismissed, or disrespected.
Pay attention to your gut feeling. If you consistently feel uncomfortable, anxious, or dread going to sessions, it's a significant red flag.
Consider whether your discomfort stems from the therapeutic work itself or from the therapist's behavior or approach. If it's the latter, it might indicate a poor fit.
3. There Are Ethical Concerns or Boundary Violations:
Therapists are bound by a strict code of ethics. Any behavior that feels exploitative, inappropriate, or violates your boundaries is unacceptable. This could include things like:
Excessive self-disclosure from the therapist that doesn't serve your therapeutic needs.
Attempts to engage in a dual relationship (e.g., becoming friends or business partners).
Any form of harassment or discrimination.
If you experience any ethical violations, it's crucial to terminate the relationship immediately and consider reporting the therapist to your state’s licensing board.
4. Your Needs Have Changed:
It's possible that you've outgrown your current therapist. As you evolve and progress, your therapeutic needs may change. You might require a different approach, a therapist with a different specialization, or simply a fresh perspective.
This is a natural part of the growth process, and it's okay to seek a therapist who is better aligned with your current needs.
5. You Just Don't "Click":
Sometimes, despite everyone's best efforts, the chemistry just isn't there. The therapeutic relationship is a unique and intimate one, and a good personal fit is essential.
If you've given it a fair chance and still don't feel a connection or sense of rapport, it's okay to acknowledge that it's not the right fit.
How to Navigate the Transition:
Discuss your decision with your therapist (if you feel safe to do so). This can provide closure and potentially offer valuable insights.
Don't ghost your therapist. This can be hurtful to both of you and leaves the relationship unresolved. Schedule a final session or have a brief phone call to explain your decision.
Ask for referrals if needed. Your current therapist may be able to recommend other therapists who might be a better fit.
Take some time to reflect on what you've learned and what you're looking for in your next therapeutic relationship.
Be kind to yourself. Ending a therapeutic relationship can be emotionally challenging, even when it's the right decision.
Ultimately, the decision of whether or not to quit your therapist is a personal one. Trust your instincts, prioritize your well-being, and remember that finding the right therapist is often a process of trial and error. By recognizing the signs that a therapeutic relationship is no longer working, you're taking an important step towards growth and healing. It is important to remember that just like any other relationship, sometimes the client-therapist relationship runs its course. It is okay to feel a sense of loss when this happens, even if you are the one who initiated ending the relationship.